The Story So Far

This Is Me

I tried not to make eye contact with myself as I brushed my hair this morning. I don’t like to look at myself. I am not proud of what I see.I knew from the second I opened my eyes this morning that I felt sad and I knew it would get worse when I saw myself. I had ‘that look’ about me.

I anchored my thoughts on my breathing. Cool air in and warm air out. I felt my feet in my boots. I felt the metal of the keys in my hand. I was present in the moment. I was still sad.

I counted my blessings. My beautiful wife, my comfortable home, my privileged life and understanding friends. I was still sad.

I forgot to brush my teeth. Back to the bathroom. Don’t look. This is crazy. I made myself take a photo. This piece of writing already in mind nearly 12 hours ago now. I didn’t know how it would come out but I knew how I would start. I was still sad.

I didn’t have the energy today to practice passive acceptance. I felt like I could not mindfully sort thoughts from facts. As more and more people banged on the door and passed through my office panic and anxiety started building up inside me. I had to leave.

I sat outside and breathed.

I met a friend and talked. But the relief lasted the length of the conversation.

Another friend reached out over the internet and it was nice to be thought of.

Another friend gave me my biggest laugh of the day and thoughts of penguins.

I hope that tomorrow won’t be sad. I do however know that despite the progress I am making with my therapy and the wonders of my blessed life – some major things need to change.

And I’m scared.

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