This is a very tricksey trick of the anxious brain. You can start out full of inspiration and good intention and end up in full blown anxiety – the type that starts drifting really quickly towards depression.
I’ve been spending more and more time thinking about what it is I really want to do with my life. I am really committed to the idea of helping other people who are similar to me make that first step in getting help and living alife that isn’t dictated by their anxiety.
I’ve been joining websites and forums and filling in volunteer application forms where ever I can find opportunities. Normally I would find an excuse not to do this but I have pushed through and done it anyway.
The problem is that good intention is quite rapidly turning to frustration. I am yet to actually find something I can do. The ideas I have I am just not in a position to get out to an audience wider than my FB friends.
I’m not in a position to make a difference at work.
I’ve been listening to podcasts and reading about some really inspirational people who have made a real difference in their lives and I start to think I will never do this.
My anxious brain tells me I am not good enough to do anything more with my life. Some of the people I’ve listened to have done great work from leadership roles. Something I can’t see anyway of getting into again.
Frustration makes me want to scream. I really feel like I could be doing good but I just don’t know how. I am reaching out but not getting any answers.
I’ve caught myself feeling like this and it is really interesting how quickly the anxious brain can turn inspiration and positivity into frustration. Almost as if it just wants to fuel anxiety and depression.
Even as I write I realise I need to cultivate patience. I need to recognise the trickesy brain and have some faith in myself to find an opportunity. The brain is trying to make me frustrated so I will just give up. But I won’t let it.
Mindfulness can be like a super power but at the moment I think mine is less trained than it could be. I was quite far into this particular piece of suffering before I recognised it for what it is.
It’s is interesting that at the moment the default mode of my brain is to lean towards anxiety and depression. Self-sabotaging even good intention and positivity.
I hope with more engagement in more formal mindful practice I can really begin the process of rewiring my brain to the point where the default mode is positive!