I got up from this chair and walked around the apartment 7 or 8 times before finally settling down to write. Even now as I type I can feel the discomfort brewing. Building up, trying to take away my focus and scuttle my intention.
It starts as a churning deep in my stomach. A thousand butterflies swarming. Within moments it manifests as an anxious throb. Heart pounding an elevated rhythm. Hands tingling. Blood pumping and thumping in my ears. I’m agitated and unfocused. Thinking is making it worse, fueling the squirming, wriggling dread.
Only mindless consumption of TV or internet or absolute nothing halts the advance. Like a heavy blanket, scratchy and stifling, it deadens the feelings. Reduced to a dull ache until they pass. Like voices heard through walls, distant but present. But even as the churning subsides the regret and the shame trigger the start of the cycle again. I pull the blanket tighter – another few episodes of nothing or hour of browsing. Another day wasted.
The fear of these sensations drives me to an uncomfortable paralysis. So wary of that sickening dread that it seems easier to never start anything. Never to attempt to create or engage. But it isn’t easy. Avoidance is another path to that same uncomfortable place under the blanket. The itching and staleness of the air telling me to throw it off.
I want to write, and paint, and record and make music and take photographs. I want to play games, ride bikes, get healthy and live. I have to find a way to stop over thinking. To stop creating barriers from thin air before I even start. To accept imperfection and acknowledge that sometimes we fail. To realise that I am enough and that what I do does have value.
Prolonged feelings of frustration and distress bleed from different areas of my life. A lack of fulfillment at work poisons my writing. A lack of confidence in my writing clouds my self worth. The problem cascades until I can’t tell where it started.
I need to draw deep from the well of courage to take more steps in removing the bad from my life. There is so much good in my world now and I finally have the support to tackle the problem. It’s my hope that this time it won’t come back.