First day back at work today and have been cruising along at have-to-talk-in-front-of-a-room-full-of-people-and-have-not-prepared-and-am-completely-naked levels of anxiety since some time yesterday afternoon.
Had plenty of repetitive work to get on with so managed to pass the day.
Had conversations with my boss and my boss’s boss (now boss doesn’t look like a real word any more) both of who were incredibly supportive and kind.
Looking forward to the anxiety fading, hopefully soon.
Second day back at wor….. Just kidding. I’m not going to bore you all with daily updates on my mental health. I’ll give an update on Friday after my appointment. Hopefully we can return to sneezing on roundabouts and picking up poop anecdotes sooner rather than later.
I’m having some doubts regarding my ‘social media strategy’ in terms of my anxiety/mental health issues. I’m wary of overloading you with updates. I’m also particularly aware that I don’t want to complain too much or seem to self-indulge in the lower points.
Having said that I feel like it would be a bit artificial to present only the up points without the contrast of the low.
So… Today was not great.
Since the really obvious side effects of the medication in the first week faded I assumed all of the side effects were over. Whilst I don’t feel spacey or headachey anymore I have a constant mid to high level nervousness that is physical, I feel it in my chest and stomach, but has none of the usual mental worrying attached.
Whilst it is good that I am not worrying about anything in particular it also means that my usual coping mechanisms don’t work. There is nothing to distract from. Being constantly on edge is just wearing me out. It’s hard to get to sleep at night so I am also just really tired.
I managed two and a half days back at work but had to leave today as it got a bit too much. I’m really quite disappointed in myself. I did keep working when I got home but it still feels like a bit of a failure.
I think I celebrated the end of SSRI side effects a little early and need to remember that I’m not even at the timescale where the medicine will actually be working.
To end on a positive note I’ve been reading about mindfullness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and can see that in some ways I have already been using some of the tools associated with these ideas. I look forward to exploring it a bit more.
I’m trying to keep calm and remember that what I current feel will pass but it’s really hard to not be disappointed when I stumble.